I Think My Feelings Are Official... I Pretty Much Love Him.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would be able to admit this to myself. The guy who is the subject of many of my blogs on here (and on my myspace blog) is someone that I think that I have officially fallen for. Now of course I haven't told HIM any of this yet cause I can't even believe it myself. This sudden realization occured today and it really was the most retarded moment, but the way that I reacted to it made me realize that I really do have intense feelings for him. I had a moment (and really it was no more than a few moments)where I saw something & quite literally panicked, thinking that he didn't want anything to do with me. It was during that split second that my heart dropped to my feet & my eyes welled up with tears (God, how I hate to admit that my feelings for him are really that strong).
He and I have been friends (and then some) for so long now that I don't know what to do with this information. It's like somewhere I have always known my feelings for him but I never really wanted to admit it to anyone, let alone to myself. I have always been afraid that if I said it out loud things would change so much that things wouldn't be the same. We've had a difficult year, but despite everything we have made it through it all, and in my opinion things between us are better than ever. We seem to have a better understanding of each other, and that makes me so happy. A few months ago when I told him my plans to move away, I saw a look come across his face that made my heart ache. He didn't have to say a single word for me to know that me deciding to leave hurt his feelings.
I adore him in ways that I never thought possible. I have spent time with my fair share of guys and I know that he has dated girls while we've been hanging out, yet, what is the one constant in each other's lives? Him for me & Me for him. I have tried (without success) to keep my feelings for him at bay. Thinking if I could just keep some distance, I would be able to just be friends with him... WRONG! My feelings just got stronger throughout the years.
He is the one person who has been there no matter what. I have had times where I didn't want to be near anyone and he made sure that I was ok. He has showed up at my house first thing in the morning & has seen me before I even brushed my hair or teeth. He has seen me good and bad, weak & strong, happy and sad. When I was pissed off at him, he stuck around but gave me all the space I needed to deal with my emotions and get to a place where I could deal with things.
I wish that he would get to this point to. That he would realize that he & I are so perfect for each other it's retarded. He and I compliment each other in so many ways that I just can't help but that think that we should be together. Maybe if things keep going the way that they are going, things will finally get there... god I hope so, cause this love stuff sure is exhausting! xoxox

A Pretty Good Catch

(This was todays riveting blog that I posted on my Myspace Blog... thought those who have abandoned Myspace for Facebook or just catching this blog might appreciate it too, so I copied and pasted for your reading enjoyment)
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Not to toot my own horn, but really, if you look at a few factors, it's quite obvious boys, I'm a pretty damn good catch! See the list of facts below:

1. Im not one of those annoying clingy gfs who expects 100% of your time. Really, I have my own life to live, so don't expect that I will be want to spend every waking second with you.

2. I'm not your mom, so therefore dont expect that I will be one of those girls who constantly expects you to "check in" with me about where you are every minute of every day. I signed up for a boyfriend not a child...

3. I don't need to go out on "dates" all the time. Really, I am just as happy with a night in than a night out. I mean the occasional meal or movie is great, but hanging at the house with drinks & a movie works too. I don't need someone to spend a fortune on a date to prove to me they're worth my time.

4. I don't expect that my boyfriend won't talk to other girls... it's just not a viable option & I have no idea how anyone can expect that their gf/bf won't have conversations with the opposite sex. I have many guy FRIENDS so I would never say you can't have girl FRIENDS.

5. I am not going to show up at your job and linger there just to make sure you're being faithful to me. I have had my fair share of experience seeing girls go to the bar where their boyfriends were working then leave pissed off cause their guy was talking to someone else. HOLY HELL, you know that it's like a prerequisite to talk to the opposite sex if you work at a bar.

6. I am in a relationship with YOU, not all of my friends. I'm not 13 years old and do not run & tell all of my girlfriends whats going on in the relationship. That is between us.

7. I HATE playing mind games with people and hate drama. Don't expect that if you and I are having a disagreement that I am gonna show up where you are and fall all over another guy to make you jealous or pissed off... not my thing.

8. We've all been hurt and have had relationship issues, but those are in the past. I'm not gonna put the mistakes of past guys on you. Those were their fuck ups, not yours. New relationship, new slate.

9. I'm on Myspace but it's not my entire life. Therefore I am not worried if I'm on your top friends or if you put comments on my page, etc. I know we're together, it doesn't matter beyond that.

10. I'm pretty much a sex fiend and you better be able to keep up, and keep my attention, try new things in bed AND be willing to treat me like the naughty girl I am!

So, if the above list is at all of an interest to you, then maybe, just maybe you're the guy for me! (Can't hurt to put aside all the bad experiences & give me a shot right?!) xoxox

P.S The thingy isn't working, currently listening to: "Heartless" by Kanye West

Can Someone Please Explain This, Cause I'm Completely Clueless On It!

Why is it that people (myself included) so often avoid the "obvious" and probably right thing, and instead go knowingly after the harder to obtain alternative? Maybe it's because we fear that the "obvious" choice means it's the less desirable, that the harder to obtain choice has to be the better decision. Maybe we fear that by chosing the obious, we aren't challenging ourselves enough or we are just taking the easy way out? Or maybe we spend our life constantly wondering what will happen if we're with one person, what if someone better comes along? Here, allow me to demonstrate my point:

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Girl is 100% aware of the fact that boy likes her, so in this situation, girl has a few popular options:

A. Girl can like boy back and can start dating him. (dating him, not neccesarily as in some serious, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you & have your babies way, but nice casual dating)

B. Girl can go out of her way to find someone better (at least at the moment) to date.

C. Girl can hang out with boy and lead him to believe that they could be together but secretly think that he isn't "Good enough" for her.

D. Girl will date boy.... but only till something better comes along.

I'm so confused. I don't get it. Maybe we all need to step back and appreciate the obvious. Realize that sometimes the obvious (the "safe" and secure decision) really is the thing that is right for us. It is the person, place or thing that we have been looking for all along & we haven't been able to find in all of the wrong places that we have been looking. Maybe a little "obvious" is just what we need in this life. xoxoxo

My Next Car...

I have decided that I want a new car. No, there is nothing "wrong" with my cute lil silver Honda Civic LX, I just decided that I must have this car. I am simply in L-O-V-E with the 2009 VW Eos... it's a hardtop convertible that is gorgeous:







That is all :) xoxoxo

It's The Dawning Of A Brand New Day.

Today was one of those days when you just wanna throw your hands in the air and say "Oh fuck it" and go home, drink heavily & crawl under the covers. I opted instead to go tan (which greatly relaxed me), come home, have a (low fat, thank you very much) Fudgesicle and take a 4 hour nap, some Veggie pizza from Domino's (my new fave by the way) and a diet coke. I do feel somewhat better, so long as I don't think about all of the BS that work is delivering to me.
I have gotten to the point where I almost don't want to go to work. It has nothing to do with having to get there at 5:00 am (ok, that factor doesn't help!), and it has absolutely nothing to do with the clients (as I really do enjoy what I do) however, I DO have issues with the corporate aspect of my job. I hate having to do 8 billion things and am never told that I am doing even kind of a good job. I hate that I am the only person who knows how to do Medi-Cal billing, the only person who knows how to do new admit paperwork, and the only one who can do the new financial shit on the computer. I get to do all the admits, all the billing and all the cash collections. I also get to listen to corporate, my manager (and now apparently my co workers too) bitch about people's paying schedules. I hate that I have worked there almost a year and I have added all kinds of things to my daily duties and haven't seen any difference in my paycheck. Cause I do absolutely nothing all day long... just sit at the front desk looking pretty... whatev.
I was going to be nice & stay there once my property sold, but I am currently re-thinking that option. Why the hell do I want to stay there and work my ass off for unappreciative bastards who make me want to drink like there ain't no tomorrow? The plain & simple fact is: I DON'T WANNA, and therefore I don't think I am going to. I can use my last 4 or so months to do something worthwhile, like some volunteer work that I wish I had been able to do, ie: Work at the Cancer Society store and or volunteer at a retirement center again, something that will make me feel as though my efforts are at least somewhat appreciated, where as lately, the only thing that makes me feel I am doing anything worth while is to hear from clients that they are happy that I am there (That is really the only part of leaving that will be difficult at this point).
I think that I need to finish the movie I'm watching, have myself a nice long hard workout, shower and go to bed. I just want to be happy, and this BS at work is just one more thing that is pointing me in a different direction in life... a direction FAR the hell away from where I am at the moment. xoxoxo

Seeing Myself Through New Eyes...

So it's been quite awhile since I've posted anything, and well I figured it was about time to get off my ass and post something! I have been without a computer, so please forgive me if I'm a little rusty or I start to ramble!
I have decided that it is time for changes in my life... I have (as like a week or so ago) started working out and eating healthier. I don't have a "goal weight", I'll know it when I get there. My main reason for the change is to be healthier, of course there are the obvious other benefits to weight loss... cuter clothes, old cute clothes fitting better, and well, just feeling better about your self. In my opinion, the weight loss is just like coloring my hair, or getting my nails done: It's something I do for ME because I like the results! So a week or so in and I have been very good... I am working out every other day (starting out slow and strong, so I don't over do it, get sore & Stop! Hehe!) I am already seeing results! My ass is going away, YAY!! I feel stronger, and have more energy. And can I tell you that there is nothing better than looking in the mirror and seeing that you have made progress!! I have been tanning too :) which I feel that I look so much better with some color on me (Plus with my hair dark, looks amazing! I am determined that I will get where I want to be, and soon! :) So, once I start seeing some more results, I'll post some update pics! (Thanks A.B. for helping to motivate me!) So I am gonna go for now (that workout is calling me hehe!!) but I will be blogging more frequently & of course, more updates soon!
xoxox Robyn

Wow... how bored am I?!