Individuality Lost?

(Blogger's Note: This was a piece written at an earlier date. I found it in my files and posted.)



As I have gotten older, I have strived to really become an individual. Ever since high school, I havent really looked to anyone to be my role model or mentor in the areas fashion, romance or life in general. I am ME and I love ME, so why the hell would I want to become someone else?

I guess because I am such an individual, it makes me sad when someone hasn't found out who they are & spend their entire life striving to be someone else. I don't mind when someone appreciates something I wear or the way I cut or color my hair, but when they show up wearing the same outfit or sporting the same exact hairstyle, it kinda irritates me. I'm not sure if that is strange or not, but I really don't feel that it is appropriate to have to ask someone "What are you wearing today" just so that you don't end up looking like the freakin' Bobsey Twins.

I guess that it's just kinda of annoying. I try not to do it to other people so I suppose I feel that I should be given the same courtesy. Now don't get me wrong, if I see a cute piece I might ask where someone where they got it, and I may even get one, but not everything all the time... and certainly not wearing it on the same day that that person is wearing it. hmm, oh well. xoxoxo

On The Lighter Side

On a lighter note, Riley is growing up so fast! I had to post this recent photo of her! Even though she's naughty (I'm actually getting us a trainer to come to the house & they offer a lifetime guarantee of their services!) I love the hell outta her! xoxox

A Little Too Much Togetherness; A Brief Rant.

I love my mom, I honestly do, but I think that we have had a little too much togetherness since I've moved down here. If I don't take her suggestion on every single thing, I'm the bad seed. Tonight I was comparing something & hells forbid I'M right. She sees that I'm not giving into her and she gets all pissy and goes home (oh really, that ISN'T necessarily a punishment ya know!?!)

Wow, it's like I'm 31, I've not gotten knocked up, done drugs or been tossed into prison, so obviously I've been doing at least a few things right. I mean, while a good upbringing helps in that, it's what a person chooses to DO with the knowledge they've been given. Hell, she could've raised me the same way & I could've rebelled & turned into a real shit.

It just frustrates the shit out of me. I gave up my life of complete freedom to move home to mommy so to speak. I wonder what will happen the first time I bring a guy home, why do I feel like someone will be right here making sure her "little girl" is ok. Damn. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she will realize that I am an ADULT who is doing all that I can to be a successful person. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. I am not looking for her approval, I am completely fine with living for me. The sooner that she realizes that she doesn't know everything and that we are just going to disagree on things, the sooner that I will stop thinking that I might as well double or triple what I am paying in rent and live somewhere I won't feel like a bug under glass. *grrrrr, sigh* xoxox

Isn't Life Funny?!

It's always a little crazy when you see someone after a long time and realize that your feelings for that person have completely changed (and SO for the better).

I saw the old "drug of choice" one last time before the afternoon before I left. I realized that my feelings have almost gone away completely. Maybe it has to do with the fact I hadn't seen him in three months. Or, maybe it has something to do with spending time with more quality people. People who deserve my time & attention. People who don't spend 30 minutes at my house, then run off to spend the rest of their days or evenings with people who obviously mean more to them than I do.

Now I can't say one way or another how this person truly feels. He may be acting strange cause he knows that he has damaged what we had forever in a way. I am not unforgiving, but to forgive someone, they have to actually be sorry, and I don't think that he is there at this point. I refuse to hold a grudge. He is a friend (sometimes not so much of a good one, but a friend none the less).

It's funny how one day you can't imagine not seeing someone & three months later, you really almost don't care that the person is standing right in front of you. When you kind of start thinking "God, I could be doing so many other things right now" haha. Life certainly is a funny thing. xoxox

Getting Settled In

As I'm sure you are all aware, I recently moved back to my beautiful hometown of San Diego. As with any move, it has been a crazy & hectic experience! I HATE moving with a fiery vengance... hence I moved to Chico in '96 and hadn't moved again! The only great part of this move was the fact that I took amazing advantage of the chance to eliminate clutter. Out with the old, in with the new so to speak!

I got rid of most of my furniture (my bed, dresser, 1 entertainment center, my TV & stereo were the only pieces I kept) & started over... that meant a whole lot of shopping! I have a whole new living room & kitchen. My logic in the re-doing everything is that all my previous furniture was my grandmas... this furniture is mine, all chosen by me. If I am starting over, I'm gonna do it the right way & all the way!

I started my online class for Sports Business Management & so far so good! It's very intense as it's only an 8-week class, but it's exciting since it is all information that pertains to what I want to do for a living... Sports (baseball). We do assignnents & post them on a discussion board, then 2 times a week we have 1-hour online chats with the other people in the class & the instructors. It is a lot of work, but they are already very aware of my love for the Padres & they have connections and there is a very great possibility of landing my dream job!


Speaking of baseball I have been to 2 games, and will be going to 2 or 3 more before the end of the season! I forgot how much I just LOVE the atmosphere at the ballpark! I love sitting close to the field (minus the worry of getting hit with a broken bat or a ball!) I love the smells & sights (C'mon all the tight baseball pants- no padding like football hehe)and just the feeling of excitement of the game! I got a new Padres too! I love my Padres! :) I am HOME.

Riley is loving having a yard and the cooler weather... but with change of, well, everything, comes the occasional naughty behavior (ie the oops I peed on the carpet, I think I belong on the furniture, and I also think it'd be fun to bite the crap out of mom & grandma.) But she is getting better. It's hard because she LOOKS like a dog, but in reality she is only 5 months old. And she has turned into SUCH a lil water dog!!

In a nutshell, we are settling into our new home nicely. I will post pics once I get the house neatened up a bit & maybe get some curtains and accesories up :)

Conquering The Craving

So my previous "drug of choice" seems to be working itself outta my system. Between staying away from him and exposing my self to new & better "drugs" I am good. The initial withdrawal was harsh & hurt like none other, but over the past almost month, I am worlds better. I am happy and overall OK, only having the occasional "craving" or moment where I want to put my emotional well being on the shelf & dive back into the addiction head first. But I haven't. I have steered clear.

I'm feeling better about everything & am keeping busy with other things (other "drugs" and of course my puppy) and that is helping. If only there were a patch or some gum that would help with the Lil nagging cravings. Oh well. Just thought an update was appropriate. xoxoxo

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

So says the Narrator in "Fight Club" ... true that. Every second that you don't act on life and all that is out there, is simply wasted.

So many of us stay where we are and do just enough to get by, never realizing our true potentials or being really and truly happy. We for some reason stifle ourselves by staying in a comfortable area. Be it a job, a friendship, relationship, where we live or what we do for fun. We fall into that comfortable numbness that is easy and familiar. What sucks about that is that you aren't so much living, rather, you are going through the motions of life.

In the movie, Tyler Durden's character says, "Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may." Which is genius. We should never stop evolving, never stop experiencing and never settle. When we settle for less than what we want or deserve, that is when we start to die a little inside. Letting fear of the unknown get in the way of at least going after what we want is shit... if you live life with blinders on you will never know what could have been, and that is a terrible way to live.

I have made a decision that I can't ever live like this. Life is meant to be lived. So, be it finding a job that I love, expressing my feelings about people, living where I want to be and living life to the fullest.

As the character of Tyler Durden says "Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!" Good advice... I believe that is how I am going to be living life from here on out. This movie is good. That is all for tonight. xoxoxo