Ok, so the new year is just around the corner, and I am putting things in motion for what will hopefully be a fantastic new year!

First of all, I am determined to have a good, no GREAT New Year's this year. The last few years have pretty much sucked, and last year was the worst, having gotten pink eye a few days after Christmas! This year I am in a new (old) city, good friend visiting, New Year's party at The Catamaran hotel in Pacific Beach, amazing dress & shoes too! :) January 3rd we are going to see The Chargers vs The Washington Redskins with field level tickets! I get to spend 4 days with an amazing friend who doesn't bring the drama! She has never been to San Diego either, so getting to show her the beautiful city that I live in is going to be very fun... I have a lot of things planned... pictures to follow soon :)

I am looking into becoming a Sports Massage Therapist... even though I took the Sports Business Management course, there are no jobs here that I am interested in at the moment so I am looking for other options for the time being. There are a lot of athletes here in Southern California with the wonderful weather and all.

I have season tickets to the Padres, YAY! 5th row, right in prime autograph location :)

I have gotten rid of a little more (ok, a LOT more) drama out of my life, which feels incredibly nice. And, by getting rid of that drama, I open up my life to the people that matter most... friends & family who care. :)

Just Over It.

Most people who know me can confirm that if nothing else I am a good person and a very good friend. If my friends need something, I go out of my way to help them with whatever it is they need. I remember birthdays and holidays. I have forgiven friends when they have been not so nice to me and even when they have treated me like total crap. But honestly, where should the line be drawn?

Maybe that is my problem. Maybe I have been too good of a friend to people. When I have finally had enough of some people's drama, crap and random bad friend practices, it becomes MY fault when I don't want to be around it and put up with it.

I really don't understand why it is that I am all of a sudden not very nice. Screw that! I have constantly taken shit and bad treatment and behavior from certain people and just cause I am too nice to run around town and talk about it, doesn't mean it never happened. When I am constantly making excuses for someone's behavior and how they are, how can it come as a surprise when I have finally had enough of it? I am my own person and really don't relish having someone else's poor behavior attached to me. I have had birthdays and trips ruined because I haven't catered to someone else's issues.

I'm tired of being the one who has to be "the better person" and keep taking it. I'm tired of having bad experiences and yet giving people chance after chance after chance when all that happens is I get put into bad situation AGAIN.

Individuality Lost?

(Blogger's Note: This was a piece written at an earlier date. I found it in my files and posted.)



As I have gotten older, I have strived to really become an individual. Ever since high school, I havent really looked to anyone to be my role model or mentor in the areas fashion, romance or life in general. I am ME and I love ME, so why the hell would I want to become someone else?

I guess because I am such an individual, it makes me sad when someone hasn't found out who they are & spend their entire life striving to be someone else. I don't mind when someone appreciates something I wear or the way I cut or color my hair, but when they show up wearing the same outfit or sporting the same exact hairstyle, it kinda irritates me. I'm not sure if that is strange or not, but I really don't feel that it is appropriate to have to ask someone "What are you wearing today" just so that you don't end up looking like the freakin' Bobsey Twins.

I guess that it's just kinda of annoying. I try not to do it to other people so I suppose I feel that I should be given the same courtesy. Now don't get me wrong, if I see a cute piece I might ask where someone where they got it, and I may even get one, but not everything all the time... and certainly not wearing it on the same day that that person is wearing it. hmm, oh well. xoxoxo

On The Lighter Side

On a lighter note, Riley is growing up so fast! I had to post this recent photo of her! Even though she's naughty (I'm actually getting us a trainer to come to the house & they offer a lifetime guarantee of their services!) I love the hell outta her! xoxox

A Little Too Much Togetherness; A Brief Rant.

I love my mom, I honestly do, but I think that we have had a little too much togetherness since I've moved down here. If I don't take her suggestion on every single thing, I'm the bad seed. Tonight I was comparing something & hells forbid I'M right. She sees that I'm not giving into her and she gets all pissy and goes home (oh really, that ISN'T necessarily a punishment ya know!?!)

Wow, it's like I'm 31, I've not gotten knocked up, done drugs or been tossed into prison, so obviously I've been doing at least a few things right. I mean, while a good upbringing helps in that, it's what a person chooses to DO with the knowledge they've been given. Hell, she could've raised me the same way & I could've rebelled & turned into a real shit.

It just frustrates the shit out of me. I gave up my life of complete freedom to move home to mommy so to speak. I wonder what will happen the first time I bring a guy home, why do I feel like someone will be right here making sure her "little girl" is ok. Damn. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she will realize that I am an ADULT who is doing all that I can to be a successful person. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. I am not looking for her approval, I am completely fine with living for me. The sooner that she realizes that she doesn't know everything and that we are just going to disagree on things, the sooner that I will stop thinking that I might as well double or triple what I am paying in rent and live somewhere I won't feel like a bug under glass. *grrrrr, sigh* xoxox

Isn't Life Funny?!

It's always a little crazy when you see someone after a long time and realize that your feelings for that person have completely changed (and SO for the better).

I saw the old "drug of choice" one last time before the afternoon before I left. I realized that my feelings have almost gone away completely. Maybe it has to do with the fact I hadn't seen him in three months. Or, maybe it has something to do with spending time with more quality people. People who deserve my time & attention. People who don't spend 30 minutes at my house, then run off to spend the rest of their days or evenings with people who obviously mean more to them than I do.

Now I can't say one way or another how this person truly feels. He may be acting strange cause he knows that he has damaged what we had forever in a way. I am not unforgiving, but to forgive someone, they have to actually be sorry, and I don't think that he is there at this point. I refuse to hold a grudge. He is a friend (sometimes not so much of a good one, but a friend none the less).

It's funny how one day you can't imagine not seeing someone & three months later, you really almost don't care that the person is standing right in front of you. When you kind of start thinking "God, I could be doing so many other things right now" haha. Life certainly is a funny thing. xoxox

Getting Settled In

As I'm sure you are all aware, I recently moved back to my beautiful hometown of San Diego. As with any move, it has been a crazy & hectic experience! I HATE moving with a fiery vengance... hence I moved to Chico in '96 and hadn't moved again! The only great part of this move was the fact that I took amazing advantage of the chance to eliminate clutter. Out with the old, in with the new so to speak!

I got rid of most of my furniture (my bed, dresser, 1 entertainment center, my TV & stereo were the only pieces I kept) & started over... that meant a whole lot of shopping! I have a whole new living room & kitchen. My logic in the re-doing everything is that all my previous furniture was my grandmas... this furniture is mine, all chosen by me. If I am starting over, I'm gonna do it the right way & all the way!

I started my online class for Sports Business Management & so far so good! It's very intense as it's only an 8-week class, but it's exciting since it is all information that pertains to what I want to do for a living... Sports (baseball). We do assignnents & post them on a discussion board, then 2 times a week we have 1-hour online chats with the other people in the class & the instructors. It is a lot of work, but they are already very aware of my love for the Padres & they have connections and there is a very great possibility of landing my dream job!


Speaking of baseball I have been to 2 games, and will be going to 2 or 3 more before the end of the season! I forgot how much I just LOVE the atmosphere at the ballpark! I love sitting close to the field (minus the worry of getting hit with a broken bat or a ball!) I love the smells & sights (C'mon all the tight baseball pants- no padding like football hehe)and just the feeling of excitement of the game! I got a new Padres too! I love my Padres! :) I am HOME.

Riley is loving having a yard and the cooler weather... but with change of, well, everything, comes the occasional naughty behavior (ie the oops I peed on the carpet, I think I belong on the furniture, and I also think it'd be fun to bite the crap out of mom & grandma.) But she is getting better. It's hard because she LOOKS like a dog, but in reality she is only 5 months old. And she has turned into SUCH a lil water dog!!

In a nutshell, we are settling into our new home nicely. I will post pics once I get the house neatened up a bit & maybe get some curtains and accesories up :)

Conquering The Craving

So my previous "drug of choice" seems to be working itself outta my system. Between staying away from him and exposing my self to new & better "drugs" I am good. The initial withdrawal was harsh & hurt like none other, but over the past almost month, I am worlds better. I am happy and overall OK, only having the occasional "craving" or moment where I want to put my emotional well being on the shelf & dive back into the addiction head first. But I haven't. I have steered clear.

I'm feeling better about everything & am keeping busy with other things (other "drugs" and of course my puppy) and that is helping. If only there were a patch or some gum that would help with the Lil nagging cravings. Oh well. Just thought an update was appropriate. xoxoxo

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

So says the Narrator in "Fight Club" ... true that. Every second that you don't act on life and all that is out there, is simply wasted.

So many of us stay where we are and do just enough to get by, never realizing our true potentials or being really and truly happy. We for some reason stifle ourselves by staying in a comfortable area. Be it a job, a friendship, relationship, where we live or what we do for fun. We fall into that comfortable numbness that is easy and familiar. What sucks about that is that you aren't so much living, rather, you are going through the motions of life.

In the movie, Tyler Durden's character says, "Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may." Which is genius. We should never stop evolving, never stop experiencing and never settle. When we settle for less than what we want or deserve, that is when we start to die a little inside. Letting fear of the unknown get in the way of at least going after what we want is shit... if you live life with blinders on you will never know what could have been, and that is a terrible way to live.

I have made a decision that I can't ever live like this. Life is meant to be lived. So, be it finding a job that I love, expressing my feelings about people, living where I want to be and living life to the fullest.

As the character of Tyler Durden says "Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!" Good advice... I believe that is how I am going to be living life from here on out. This movie is good. That is all for tonight. xoxoxo

Addiction...

Ok, I admit it... I am addicted. Hopelessly, ridiculously addicted. Unlike other "drugs" I am not willing to search out another drug when I don't have access to my "drug of choice". I only want the one. It is the only one that will satisfy my craving, my desire, my needs.

So much more addicting than any drug, it has a hold on me that for some reason, nothing will make that craving go away. I have tried others, but nothing seems to do the job.

Damn. I love the high & can't get enough. The lows suck, the withdrawl, the craving.... but man, the highs certainly are AMAZING. xoxoxo

Dreaming of Southern California

As I sit here in the comfy bed watching season 3 of Sex and the City (for like the millionth time) my mind begins to wander to "what would I be doing if I were down in San Diego right now?" There are of course a million different answers to that question. Just off the top of my head I think of the following things:

1. A Padres game of course... why watch it on tv when you can hop on the trolley, pop down to Petco and enjoy the sights, smells and sounds of the ballgame. Granted theis weekend they're in LA but hell, SD is just down the road and if one really wanted to, they could make the maybe 2 hr drive up to the City of Angels & take in the game there at Dodger Stadium.

2. Shopping (maybe it's only window shopping some days, but it's shopping nonetheless). SD has some amazing stores & I would be happy to be wandering through any number of them right now. Never underestimate the power of retail therapy.

3. The beach... pick one, Pacific Beach, Ocean Beach, Mission Beach, La Jolla Shores, Torrey Pines. Social outings or a quiet day at the beach, something for everyone. I love love LOVE the ocean. Especially on an overcast day when its quieter and less tourist-y. Maybe living there will inspire some beach jogging?!

4. Balboa Park. This place has it all! The SD Zoo, countless museums, botanical gardens, a lilly pond, music pavillions, rose gardens, and don't forget the 1910 carosel. One of my favorite places in SD hands down!

I am so very anxious to move back and start my "new" life. It will be good for me to be back in a city where there are things to do and new opportunities. xoxoxo

Yard Sale Suckage

(This is a copy of my Myspace blog from Saturday)

SO... my theory of rather gouging my own eye out than having a yard sale stands completely true. Here it is almost an hour into my 4 hour yard sale, and here is a brief summary of my morning thus far:

* I half bent back a nail trying to carry furniture out of the front door in the dark... I started to drop it, caught it, bent the nail back and dropped the damn shoe rack anyway... whatev.

* I (IN PAIN) Manage to set some crap out in the half dark of 5:30 or so and realize I have a lot more people-attracting shit I should have put in the craigslist ad... oh well... this is gonna suck either way.

* At 6:00 am (it may have been 5:59 or so, I don't know) this rattle-trap Saturn comes rolling into my driveway... YAY, my first "customer" (insert eye-roll here). So an old white trash hillbilly guy gets out of the driver's side and comes to examine the stuff I have set out. Wifey is too big to be getting in & out of the car, so she stares through the cracked open window, their equally gross looking dog (easily 15 yrs+) stares out the back window. Let the haggling & annoying the shit out of me begin... I have a digital camera for sale that just needs a battery, so he asks how much, I say $20 (I figure the battery is about $30 so decent deal for a relatively newer Kodak digital camera with the charger and computer connector). He has consult with wifey... "no, she says thats too much" Oh jesus, the mental eye rolling & snyde comments are flourishing in my head already! So he asks if I have any cast iron pans, stamp colections, kerosene lamps, antiques... NO (did u see it advertised in the effin craigslist ad retard?) So then looks at a few DVD I have & asks how much for one TV series (Its 3 separate DVDs with episodes on each side of the disc & it is the full season), I say $5. His reply? "oh, nevermind". Oh fuck you too jackass, you aren't gonna find it cheaper, so take your pocketfull of change & get the hell outta here. I don't need money THAT badly, haha. They get back in the ghetto-mobile & leave, rattling the whole way.

*After that, I decide to be a bitch (not hard to be) and go put notes on cars here. Let me explain: 1 car is parked in front of the dumpster... not ok to do ever here. It's near where you turn around at the end of the property and it makes turning around difficult, and if someone happens to be there on trash day my dumpster doesn't get emptied, not cool. So then, I notice that newer tenant in the front is parked in TWO parking places... wtf, the parking here is tight as it is, why in the hell would you do that? So they both got happy little notes from me saying not to do that shit (in a nice way of course).

* On the way back from playing the note fairy, I caught a glimpse of winshield wiper fluid in the garage... I need that in the car I thought, so I popped the hood and added wiper fluid to the car.

So here I sit in the front doorway of the house typing this blog to pass the time. Yard sales are shit, and this is just 1 more reminder of why I dont have them! No one is out & around in this crappy weather... so I have a feeling it was all for nothing. Maybe I should try again next weekend, or not... xoxoxo

I Think My Feelings Are Official... I Pretty Much Love Him.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would be able to admit this to myself. The guy who is the subject of many of my blogs on here (and on my myspace blog) is someone that I think that I have officially fallen for. Now of course I haven't told HIM any of this yet cause I can't even believe it myself. This sudden realization occured today and it really was the most retarded moment, but the way that I reacted to it made me realize that I really do have intense feelings for him. I had a moment (and really it was no more than a few moments)where I saw something & quite literally panicked, thinking that he didn't want anything to do with me. It was during that split second that my heart dropped to my feet & my eyes welled up with tears (God, how I hate to admit that my feelings for him are really that strong).
He and I have been friends (and then some) for so long now that I don't know what to do with this information. It's like somewhere I have always known my feelings for him but I never really wanted to admit it to anyone, let alone to myself. I have always been afraid that if I said it out loud things would change so much that things wouldn't be the same. We've had a difficult year, but despite everything we have made it through it all, and in my opinion things between us are better than ever. We seem to have a better understanding of each other, and that makes me so happy. A few months ago when I told him my plans to move away, I saw a look come across his face that made my heart ache. He didn't have to say a single word for me to know that me deciding to leave hurt his feelings.
I adore him in ways that I never thought possible. I have spent time with my fair share of guys and I know that he has dated girls while we've been hanging out, yet, what is the one constant in each other's lives? Him for me & Me for him. I have tried (without success) to keep my feelings for him at bay. Thinking if I could just keep some distance, I would be able to just be friends with him... WRONG! My feelings just got stronger throughout the years.
He is the one person who has been there no matter what. I have had times where I didn't want to be near anyone and he made sure that I was ok. He has showed up at my house first thing in the morning & has seen me before I even brushed my hair or teeth. He has seen me good and bad, weak & strong, happy and sad. When I was pissed off at him, he stuck around but gave me all the space I needed to deal with my emotions and get to a place where I could deal with things.
I wish that he would get to this point to. That he would realize that he & I are so perfect for each other it's retarded. He and I compliment each other in so many ways that I just can't help but that think that we should be together. Maybe if things keep going the way that they are going, things will finally get there... god I hope so, cause this love stuff sure is exhausting! xoxox

A Pretty Good Catch

(This was todays riveting blog that I posted on my Myspace Blog... thought those who have abandoned Myspace for Facebook or just catching this blog might appreciate it too, so I copied and pasted for your reading enjoyment)
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Not to toot my own horn, but really, if you look at a few factors, it's quite obvious boys, I'm a pretty damn good catch! See the list of facts below:

1. Im not one of those annoying clingy gfs who expects 100% of your time. Really, I have my own life to live, so don't expect that I will be want to spend every waking second with you.

2. I'm not your mom, so therefore dont expect that I will be one of those girls who constantly expects you to "check in" with me about where you are every minute of every day. I signed up for a boyfriend not a child...

3. I don't need to go out on "dates" all the time. Really, I am just as happy with a night in than a night out. I mean the occasional meal or movie is great, but hanging at the house with drinks & a movie works too. I don't need someone to spend a fortune on a date to prove to me they're worth my time.

4. I don't expect that my boyfriend won't talk to other girls... it's just not a viable option & I have no idea how anyone can expect that their gf/bf won't have conversations with the opposite sex. I have many guy FRIENDS so I would never say you can't have girl FRIENDS.

5. I am not going to show up at your job and linger there just to make sure you're being faithful to me. I have had my fair share of experience seeing girls go to the bar where their boyfriends were working then leave pissed off cause their guy was talking to someone else. HOLY HELL, you know that it's like a prerequisite to talk to the opposite sex if you work at a bar.

6. I am in a relationship with YOU, not all of my friends. I'm not 13 years old and do not run & tell all of my girlfriends whats going on in the relationship. That is between us.

7. I HATE playing mind games with people and hate drama. Don't expect that if you and I are having a disagreement that I am gonna show up where you are and fall all over another guy to make you jealous or pissed off... not my thing.

8. We've all been hurt and have had relationship issues, but those are in the past. I'm not gonna put the mistakes of past guys on you. Those were their fuck ups, not yours. New relationship, new slate.

9. I'm on Myspace but it's not my entire life. Therefore I am not worried if I'm on your top friends or if you put comments on my page, etc. I know we're together, it doesn't matter beyond that.

10. I'm pretty much a sex fiend and you better be able to keep up, and keep my attention, try new things in bed AND be willing to treat me like the naughty girl I am!

So, if the above list is at all of an interest to you, then maybe, just maybe you're the guy for me! (Can't hurt to put aside all the bad experiences & give me a shot right?!) xoxox

P.S The thingy isn't working, currently listening to: "Heartless" by Kanye West

Can Someone Please Explain This, Cause I'm Completely Clueless On It!

Why is it that people (myself included) so often avoid the "obvious" and probably right thing, and instead go knowingly after the harder to obtain alternative? Maybe it's because we fear that the "obvious" choice means it's the less desirable, that the harder to obtain choice has to be the better decision. Maybe we fear that by chosing the obious, we aren't challenging ourselves enough or we are just taking the easy way out? Or maybe we spend our life constantly wondering what will happen if we're with one person, what if someone better comes along? Here, allow me to demonstrate my point:

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Girl is 100% aware of the fact that boy likes her, so in this situation, girl has a few popular options:

A. Girl can like boy back and can start dating him. (dating him, not neccesarily as in some serious, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you & have your babies way, but nice casual dating)

B. Girl can go out of her way to find someone better (at least at the moment) to date.

C. Girl can hang out with boy and lead him to believe that they could be together but secretly think that he isn't "Good enough" for her.

D. Girl will date boy.... but only till something better comes along.

I'm so confused. I don't get it. Maybe we all need to step back and appreciate the obvious. Realize that sometimes the obvious (the "safe" and secure decision) really is the thing that is right for us. It is the person, place or thing that we have been looking for all along & we haven't been able to find in all of the wrong places that we have been looking. Maybe a little "obvious" is just what we need in this life. xoxoxo

My Next Car...

I have decided that I want a new car. No, there is nothing "wrong" with my cute lil silver Honda Civic LX, I just decided that I must have this car. I am simply in L-O-V-E with the 2009 VW Eos... it's a hardtop convertible that is gorgeous:







That is all :) xoxoxo

It's The Dawning Of A Brand New Day.

Today was one of those days when you just wanna throw your hands in the air and say "Oh fuck it" and go home, drink heavily & crawl under the covers. I opted instead to go tan (which greatly relaxed me), come home, have a (low fat, thank you very much) Fudgesicle and take a 4 hour nap, some Veggie pizza from Domino's (my new fave by the way) and a diet coke. I do feel somewhat better, so long as I don't think about all of the BS that work is delivering to me.
I have gotten to the point where I almost don't want to go to work. It has nothing to do with having to get there at 5:00 am (ok, that factor doesn't help!), and it has absolutely nothing to do with the clients (as I really do enjoy what I do) however, I DO have issues with the corporate aspect of my job. I hate having to do 8 billion things and am never told that I am doing even kind of a good job. I hate that I am the only person who knows how to do Medi-Cal billing, the only person who knows how to do new admit paperwork, and the only one who can do the new financial shit on the computer. I get to do all the admits, all the billing and all the cash collections. I also get to listen to corporate, my manager (and now apparently my co workers too) bitch about people's paying schedules. I hate that I have worked there almost a year and I have added all kinds of things to my daily duties and haven't seen any difference in my paycheck. Cause I do absolutely nothing all day long... just sit at the front desk looking pretty... whatev.
I was going to be nice & stay there once my property sold, but I am currently re-thinking that option. Why the hell do I want to stay there and work my ass off for unappreciative bastards who make me want to drink like there ain't no tomorrow? The plain & simple fact is: I DON'T WANNA, and therefore I don't think I am going to. I can use my last 4 or so months to do something worthwhile, like some volunteer work that I wish I had been able to do, ie: Work at the Cancer Society store and or volunteer at a retirement center again, something that will make me feel as though my efforts are at least somewhat appreciated, where as lately, the only thing that makes me feel I am doing anything worth while is to hear from clients that they are happy that I am there (That is really the only part of leaving that will be difficult at this point).
I think that I need to finish the movie I'm watching, have myself a nice long hard workout, shower and go to bed. I just want to be happy, and this BS at work is just one more thing that is pointing me in a different direction in life... a direction FAR the hell away from where I am at the moment. xoxoxo

Seeing Myself Through New Eyes...

So it's been quite awhile since I've posted anything, and well I figured it was about time to get off my ass and post something! I have been without a computer, so please forgive me if I'm a little rusty or I start to ramble!
I have decided that it is time for changes in my life... I have (as like a week or so ago) started working out and eating healthier. I don't have a "goal weight", I'll know it when I get there. My main reason for the change is to be healthier, of course there are the obvious other benefits to weight loss... cuter clothes, old cute clothes fitting better, and well, just feeling better about your self. In my opinion, the weight loss is just like coloring my hair, or getting my nails done: It's something I do for ME because I like the results! So a week or so in and I have been very good... I am working out every other day (starting out slow and strong, so I don't over do it, get sore & Stop! Hehe!) I am already seeing results! My ass is going away, YAY!! I feel stronger, and have more energy. And can I tell you that there is nothing better than looking in the mirror and seeing that you have made progress!! I have been tanning too :) which I feel that I look so much better with some color on me (Plus with my hair dark, looks amazing! I am determined that I will get where I want to be, and soon! :) So, once I start seeing some more results, I'll post some update pics! (Thanks A.B. for helping to motivate me!) So I am gonna go for now (that workout is calling me hehe!!) but I will be blogging more frequently & of course, more updates soon!
xoxox Robyn