(REVISED) 4 years, and a million memories ago...

4 years ago today I lost one of the most amazing and important people in my life. My grandma was all I could ask for in a grandma and so much more. She was not just my grandma, she was one of my best friends and greatest influences. I can't even begin to catalog the life & times we shared.

I have so many fond and amazing memories of our times together. Having lived either next door to her, or with her for most of my life, it's hard not to have the close bond that we had, the eternal bond that will never be broken.

I can remember our road trips & vacations, singing along with the radio and laughing at all of or special (only us) memories. She had the ability to make everything special, from a trip to the zoo, to our extended vacations. I remember her peeling apples for me, and watching Scooby Doo every afternoon with me. Most days she drove me to school & picked me up. She bought me ice skating lessons for Christmas one year, which turned into a few years of competitions and practices, of which she was a part of every minute of, right down to her making all of my skating dresses & costumes by hand! I remember walking next door and spending Sunday nights watching Cops and America's Most Wanted with her. Memories of us cooking, baking, laughing, trips to the beach (her falling into the water at Torrey Pines while making sure I didn't fall in!) hugging her and her smile are just a few of the million things that I miss about her every single day of my life.

When she was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer in 2002, my heart broke into about a million pieces. I remember the moment that she told me, and a few minutes later when I was at the hospital, how no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the hot tears that rolled down my cheeks. Even in that sad moment, I will never forget her telling me to stop crying (and I'll never forget the words of her orthopaedic surgeon who was also in the room "She just found out that someone she loves very much is sick, I think that she has every right to cry")

Over the next 2 years I watched the woman I adored have to give up so many of the things that meant the world to her and it killed me more than I ever let on to the outside world. She loved taking care of her lawns here and all of the plants & flowers that we planted over our summers here in Chico, so you can imagine her heartache (and mine) when she had to hire a gardener who in both of our opinions could never do even half the job that she once did. How someone who once would jump in the car for a spur of the moment road trip had to have her granddaughter drive her anywhere she needed to go. And how one of the most independent and self sufficient women ever had to rely on people for everything. Watching that broke my heart. I had to be strong for her... Never shed my tears in front of her (or anyone else for that matter).

4 years ago I lost a part of me. Today, while it still hurts like it was yesterday, I have adapted to the change as much as I can. Thanksgiving is still hard, but I know that she would be beyond pissed at me if she thought for even a second that I was letting her death hold me back for living one second of my life to the fullest. So while it might not be the easiest holiday for me to get through, I will do it year after year for my grandma (it WAS our special holiday together afterall). I am going to visit the memorial wall at the cemetery where her ashes are tomorrow (they're closed on holidays so I have to do it a day early)and have my cry (while I imagine her in heaven saying to lose the tears!)and make it through another Thanksgiving without her. xoxoxo

At A Sort Of Crossroads

So, I am in the middle of a situation that I am not sure how to deal with. As much as I don't want to let a certain person back into my life, I am feeling myself being pulled (granted somewhat willingly) back into the middle of the relationship/ friendship that was a part of my life so very long. I know that my time here is so limited and I guess that maybe I think that maybe this is ok while I'm still here. Maybe I need him while I'm in this town... once I move away, things will naturally be different. I won't be able to fall into the easiness of it all, unless one of us travels to do so.

It's hard to say no to him, to the moments that we've spent together. Hard not to fall into the comfortable. With him it was always so easy, so simple and so defined. It's so easy to answer his call, to let him back into my now simplified life. It's a decision that I was hoping that I wouldn't have to make, but now that it very well may be upon me, I need to decide what I am going to do... xoxoxo

Wanna Have Sex?

That was the text message that I received around 8:30 last night. Now, it was from a guy that I think is pretty damn amazing, but it just kinda made me stop and think the following (In no particular order):

1. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, it's all well and good to throw the offer out like that, provided there was at least a little bit of conversation before hand. IE:
You: Hey, how've ya been?
Me: Not too bad
You: We should hang out again, whatcha doing tonight?
Me: Not much, what you have in mind ;)
You: Wanna come over and have sex?
Me: Sure I'll be over in a bit

2. YES I want to have sex. Why wouldn't I want to?

3. I really wouldn't mind having sex with YOU again, as it was, well, amazing!

4. I haven't really talked much to you since maybe September, and all of a sudden you wanna hook up again? This makes me feel mighty important, especially after the last time you invited me over to watch a movie (which, silly me thought was code for wanna come over watch part of a movie, mess around, THEN have sex, but as it turned out actually watched a movie & some tv... awkward.)

5. Were you looking through you phone, get to the "R's" and think of me? I know you probably have plenty of girls to hook up with, but with that impersonal text message, did you send it to more than one girl & the first or best reply got laid?

6. Did you think that would get me? (For additional thoughts on that topic, please see earlier blog entitled "Oh Baby I must have you now!")

7. How long did it take you to come up with that clever text? Did you think about me (or the other girls you texted that to) all day or did you just impulsively throw the offer out on the table? Just curious.

Needless to say that as much as I would've liked to have gone over there and had sex, I didn't bother to reply as I got it about an hour after it was sent... I guess I figured he had probably gotten a quicker response from someone else, and a reply from me at that point would've interrupted someone else getting laid. Oh well. xoxoxo

Jackrabbit Sex: It's NEVER Ok!

Ok, so here it is Saturday night around 7:30 p.m. and I'm sitting here in my fantabulously comfy bed, and I'm actually tired. I don't think I'm going out tonight (I've not heard back from anyone, and I'm not sure I feel like wasting my time & money) Sure, I can see some occasional eye candy, but beyond that, what is the huge attracton? It's not like I am gonna find some random ass guy to go home with... not my style. And, if a girl isn't careful and has too much to drink, she may make a horrible mistake and sleep with someone that is less than desirable.

That has happened to me only once, probably about 3 or so years ago. I was at a bar in the hopes that I would get to go home with one of the bartenders (again! ;) hehe) but after having far too much alcohol, I began flirting with another guy. He was a friend that I knew from another bar. We had always flirted with each other, but that night, things changed. We ended up going back to his house and I never again looked at him in the same way.

His apartment was tiny and FREEZING (it was cold outside, but I'd wager to say that it was as cold if not colder in the apartment). There was no toilet paper (thank god I was getting over a cold and had kleenex in my pocket). Now, under the right circumstances, all of these things would've been tolerable, but on top of all of these strikes, was the worst strike of all... he was horrible in bed. I mean we are talking terrible "Jackrabbit Sex"- you know, pound, pound, pound you sex. It's not ok, and it's a far cry from enjoyable let me inform you. (Now, don't get me wrong, "rough" sex and "jackrabbit" sex, 2 TOTALLY different things!) Lemme just put it to y'all quite simply,

The only thing that made me write about this horrific moment of my life is the fact that last night I ended up running into him again. Turns out, he's now bartending at a new favorite bar of mine, geez isn't that just about my life?! xoxoxo

I Think I Need A Hug

So this week has been a very trying one, I have been dealing with a new manager at work who is just getting on everyone's last nerve, the PA was out 3 days this week (including 1 day that we have the MD there... that automatically = stress!) I am AGAIN having to deal with my friend who likes to copy me... get your own style stupid! And then outta nowhere, in the span of maybe a half hour, I encounter the following:

The stupid former friend that fired me... that was JUST what I needed, haha. On a "happy" note, she didn't see me, and on an even "happier" note, she was on crutches with a busted looking foot, teehee. Sorry, but I just can't be sad about her being injured. (I know, I know, I'm going to Hell... tell me something I didn't already know!)

The "hot" grocery guy with the amazing arms who has the foot fetish. I thought I was rid of him, then I show up at Safeway to buy some "Grapples" (Gala apples that smell & kinda taste like grapes, strange, huh?!) and gum, and ta-da... there he is, working the next checkstand over... oh joy and rapture. It's a shame about the foot thing, cause he is extremely cute, but I just CAN'T be ok with someone trying to touch my feet while we were making out... ew. No thanks! He looks over all happy to see me & explains he hurt his knee and just came back (God Matty, I don't need the play-by-play!)

It's just been one of those weeks, that I am hoping doesn't turn into "one of those weekends" ya know?! I think that I need a hug (or a whole bunch of no foot touching makeout! hehe). I need to go pay my car payment, go get my nails done and see if my fantabulous makeup lady Beth is working... I think I wanna rock some uber hot makeup tonight and I really don't feel like trying to do it myself! Sometimes it just doesn't happen when I do it myself (sorry, that sounded kinda dirty! haha... you can see where my head is right about now!) I guess that I will get going, and the whole time I'm out & about, I'll be praying for hugs (more?!), a lot of fun, and not too hideous of a weekend! xoxoxo

Keep The Faith Hoffman Fans

My heart is so breaking right now... My absolutely all time favorite baseball player, SD Padres Relief Pitcher Trevor Hoffman is being let go. WHY? He has done nothing but boost SD Padres baseball since his arrival in 1993. He keeps the fans enthused with his AMAZING pitching, his community relations, his 500 career saves (ALL TIME SAVES LEADER), and his overall 1st class professionalism and personality.

I have had the opportunity to meet him on more than one occasion, and he is awesome! Always ready to sign for fans, always a smile and a friendly word and in my opinion, everything that a PROFESSIONAL athlete should be!

So why is it after 16 (yes, 16!) years, why is he all of a sudden suposed to take a huge cut in pay and then have the offer withdrawn from the team he's done so much with & for? I am absolutely appalled and dishearteneed today.

San Diego Fans need to rally around their beloved closer and make the SD organization see that Hoffman is SO much more than another baseball player, he is a HUGE part of San Diego! I'm sorry, but I will never, ever not be a Trevor Hoffman fan, even if SD loses him. I adore him, and will completely follow his career. I can only hope that if we do lose him, that when the day comes that he is elected to Cooperstown, that he can look past this last segment of time and go in as a Padre! xoxoxo

Break out the shovel... I'm digging myself a hole!

Ever have those moments where you KNOW that you shouldn't call someone or have someone over? But a part of you can't seem to help it? I am having that moment right now as I type this blog. I have been really very good about seeing (or not seeing) this particular someone, and then here I come along, and in one fell swoop, Im standing outside in the rain, uncovering that damn hole that I worked soo hard to fill up and cover.

What did I do you may be asking? Well, I offered to let the guy (olive branch guy) stay the night here. He keeps saying that it'll be too difficult if he stays here, and maybe he's right, but I guess I just want him here. I want him to be here as much as I don't want him to be here, does that make any sense at all?!

He hasn't said if he's staying over, just commented that he will try to stop by. It's just about 1:30 am, and he should be getting off work at any moment, so I guess that we'll just wait & see how everything (anything) pans out tonight. Sweet dreams! xoxoxo

UPDATE: after talking to him around 11 via text msg, he didn't answer any of my texts and was a no-show to my house. I guess he wasn't willing to hand me the shovel to unearth the hole quite yet, which is probably for the best, but he could at least let me know wtf is going on. oh well. goodnight (again) xoxoxo

So Complicated.

So lately I've been talking to the guy that "slapped me with the olive branch" hehe. He has been down here on weekends and we've talked a little bit, which has been nice. Afterall, even when you get pissed off at someone, it's hard to completely exclude someone from your life, especially when it's someone that you have always shared just about everything in your life with.

It is a settling feeling to be talking to him again, and last week I even saw him for a few minutes. I can't explain how nice of a feeling it was to hug him again. Just to feel his arms around me felt right, and I honestly missed it.

I can't lie and say that I have forgotten what happened this summer (the finding out of certain things) but I AM able to put them aside in order to remain friends with him. I realized that I would rather have a complicated friendship with him than no friendship at all.

Well, there is a chance that I will be seeing him this weekend, and I am glad that while a lot has changed, when it all comes down to it, we are still friends. xoxoxo

It's Not The Same Without You...

Autumn is once again upon us here in the City of Chico. It is my FAVORITE time of the year. That perfect sunny yet crisp cold weather, leaves changing color and falling. Walking outside on a cold clear night and hearing the geese flying over head (and seeing them flying in a V) just puts a smile on my face. I have so many wonderful autumn memories here in this city. I wait anxiously every year to see the trees change to stunning colors along the tree lined Esplanade, to wander through Downtown Chico sipping some hot chocolate or a Starbucks. Moving away from Chico is going to be very tough in a lot of ways, some of the most difficult things to leave are centered around this time of year. This is a hard time of year for me in general.

Autumn was always a special time for my grandma and me. We spent every Thanksgiving week together in Chico since the time that I was 13. It was all so very special to spend all that time with her. She fractured her femur in the fall, and all the subsequent surgeries and illness happened in or near the fall. It was so odd that she passed away on Thanksgiving, a day that was always so special to us both.

I have learned to break through the hard times and again appreciate autumn here in Chico, spending time in nature and enjoying all the beauty it has to offer, listening to the geese a little longer, and soaking it all in while I can. I still have moments of unbelievable sadness, as my grandma meant the world to me, but I know that she wants me to live my life and not spend it dwelling on her death. A few weeks ago I had a moment that brought tears to my eyes. It was super lame too, but kinda funny too. I pulled a postcard out of the mailbox that had what loked like a post-it note on it. Here is a picture of the post-it portion of the postcard:



I turned the card over and it was addressed to my grandma. I literally stopped in my tracks, and tears came to my eyes. It was a postcard from State Farm Insurance commenting on the fact that my grandma was no longer their customer, but to me, it meant so much more. I guess I felt that I had to post this, as it is in the middle of the season and I am getting all sappy & nostalgic. Maybe this weekend I'll go for a stoll through the park with a hot chocolate and remember some fond memories. xoxoxo

This Kiss, This Kiss... It's Criminal!

So the other night I had a very intense dream that i can't help but relate to my real life... In this particular dream I was somewhere that was like a combo of a local restaurant (Tres) and someone's house. I was there with some friends and one certain guy in particular (a very good friend of mine), who I have been having some more than friendly feelings for lately.

In the dream, I started feeling not so good, and he pulled me to him and kissed my forehead, and wrapped his arms around me and said he'd take me home if I wasn't in the mood to stay there with everyone. He spent the remainder of the time there holding me close and kissing me. Needless to say that when I woke up, I had a big smile on my face! Hehe!

In all honesty, I never in a million years imagined that I would have any sort of feelings for him, but I guess life happens, huh?! Ever since we made out a month or so ago, I just can't help it, everytime I see him (and his cute little pouty lips) I just wanna press my lips to his and have another 2 or so hour makeout session wirh him! (by the way, as some of you who read my Myspace blog may remember, I had 2 sex dreams about a friend a lil while back? Yup, same guy! hehe!)

Well I guess that I should go to bed, its a bit before 10:30 and I have a long day ahead of me (3 or 4 admits and none of them have completed paperwork) and who knows, maybe I'll dream of more amazing kisses tonight?! ;) Goodnight! xoxoxox