(REVISED) 4 years, and a million memories ago...

4 years ago today I lost one of the most amazing and important people in my life. My grandma was all I could ask for in a grandma and so much more. She was not just my grandma, she was one of my best friends and greatest influences. I can't even begin to catalog the life & times we shared.

I have so many fond and amazing memories of our times together. Having lived either next door to her, or with her for most of my life, it's hard not to have the close bond that we had, the eternal bond that will never be broken.

I can remember our road trips & vacations, singing along with the radio and laughing at all of or special (only us) memories. She had the ability to make everything special, from a trip to the zoo, to our extended vacations. I remember her peeling apples for me, and watching Scooby Doo every afternoon with me. Most days she drove me to school & picked me up. She bought me ice skating lessons for Christmas one year, which turned into a few years of competitions and practices, of which she was a part of every minute of, right down to her making all of my skating dresses & costumes by hand! I remember walking next door and spending Sunday nights watching Cops and America's Most Wanted with her. Memories of us cooking, baking, laughing, trips to the beach (her falling into the water at Torrey Pines while making sure I didn't fall in!) hugging her and her smile are just a few of the million things that I miss about her every single day of my life.

When she was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer in 2002, my heart broke into about a million pieces. I remember the moment that she told me, and a few minutes later when I was at the hospital, how no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the hot tears that rolled down my cheeks. Even in that sad moment, I will never forget her telling me to stop crying (and I'll never forget the words of her orthopaedic surgeon who was also in the room "She just found out that someone she loves very much is sick, I think that she has every right to cry")

Over the next 2 years I watched the woman I adored have to give up so many of the things that meant the world to her and it killed me more than I ever let on to the outside world. She loved taking care of her lawns here and all of the plants & flowers that we planted over our summers here in Chico, so you can imagine her heartache (and mine) when she had to hire a gardener who in both of our opinions could never do even half the job that she once did. How someone who once would jump in the car for a spur of the moment road trip had to have her granddaughter drive her anywhere she needed to go. And how one of the most independent and self sufficient women ever had to rely on people for everything. Watching that broke my heart. I had to be strong for her... Never shed my tears in front of her (or anyone else for that matter).

4 years ago I lost a part of me. Today, while it still hurts like it was yesterday, I have adapted to the change as much as I can. Thanksgiving is still hard, but I know that she would be beyond pissed at me if she thought for even a second that I was letting her death hold me back for living one second of my life to the fullest. So while it might not be the easiest holiday for me to get through, I will do it year after year for my grandma (it WAS our special holiday together afterall). I am going to visit the memorial wall at the cemetery where her ashes are tomorrow (they're closed on holidays so I have to do it a day early)and have my cry (while I imagine her in heaven saying to lose the tears!)and make it through another Thanksgiving without her. xoxoxo